


Not Alone

by emmaleenoti



Series: LAMP [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cuddles, First chapter is most definitely a vent oops, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Multi, Negative Thoughts, Patton is precious, We all know it, What's new, but he is a big softie, first chapter is all angst, he bites himself, he feels really alone, logan likes to pretend he doesn't have feelings, mindfulness, patton makes cookies, roman is sweet, second chapter is fluff, slight self harm, virgil has a panic attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-05-28 19:00:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15055655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmaleenoti/pseuds/emmaleenoti
Summary: Virgil goes to his room and has a panic attack. Even though he knows it is his own anxiety talking, he feels like he is a bother to everyone. When he has calmed himself down, he is surprised to find that he is not as alone as he feels.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This first chapter might seem a little all over the place at some parts but I did that on purpose to show his contradicting thoughts during a panic attack. As always, I modeled his panic attack after my own because that is the only way I feel I can accurately depict it. I hope you like it!

Virgil closed his door as quietly as he could, hoping none of the others would hear or follow him. They had just finished yet another video, and he was exhausted. He had left rather quickly, probably quicker than usual. But he had to get out of there; he had started to feel the nervousness creeping into his stomach and up into his chest and he couldn’t handle the thought of having a panic attack in front of everyone. Not again. He walked over to his bed, sitting down on the edge and placing his face in his hands. He tried doing the 4-7-8 breathing exercise a few times, but he could tell that it was not going to be so easy this time. God, he hoped none of the others came to check on him. He hated bothering them. He felt like such a burden all of the time. Yes, he knew that they had all gotten so much closer lately, but he couldn’t bear the thought of bothering them so much that they would leave. He didn’t want them to hate him again. He loved them so much and he couldn’t bear the thought of them hating him. Did they love him? He thought so. He hoped so. But he knew they at least didn’t hate him anymore, and he wanted to keep it that way. So he thought that perhaps it would be better to close himself off during times like this so he couldn’t push them away. Did that even make sense? Virgil pushed the thought out of his mind.

He knew he was probably contradicting himself so much but he couldn’t help it. He tried taking a deep breath, but he felt like his chest was being crushed. Breathing was so hard. It shouldn’t be this hard. Why was it this hard? He felt like he couldn’t breathe, even though in the back of his mind he knew that he was breathing normally. Still, he could feel his heart racing faster and faster. Nothing was happening, nothing was going wrong. He knew that. He kept trying to convince himself that he was safe, but the negative thoughts kept creeping into his mind.

_You’re not safe._

_No one cares about you._

_No one loves you._

_They are all going to leave you soon anyway._

_They hate you._

No, no, no. Virgil knew all of these thoughts were wrong, he did. He knew. But he couldn’t stop thinking. God, he felt so alone. But he wasn’t alone. He had Thomas, Patton, Roman, and Logan. He even had Thomas’ fans. God, he still felt so alone. He was so lonely. He felt so unloved. But he was loved, wasn’t he?

_You deserve to be alone._

_They don’t want you anyway._

_You’re all alone._

_Alone._

_Alone._

Virgil stood up quickly, running his hands nervously through his hair. Why did he feel like this? Why did this always happen? Why couldn’t he just be normal?

_You’re a failure._

He began pacing around the room, trying to keep his breathing as normal as possible. Soon, though, he felt like he was hyperventilating. Was he hyperventilating? He couldn’t tell anymore. His chest felt like it was tightening up, and he could feel the panic rising into his throat. Tears were welling up in his eyes. Why? Nothing was wrong, right?

_Everything is wrong._

No, nothing was wrong. He knew that. Then what was the problem?

_You’re the problem._

Of course he was. He was always the problem, wasn’t he? That’s all he ever was, right? No. Yes?

_You’re a disappointment._

Virgil couldn’t stop hyperventilating. Should he call for one of the others? Patton? He would be so gentle. Roman? He would make him laugh. Logan? He would help him through breathing exercises. Should he? No. He couldn’t bother them.

_You’re such a burden._

_They’ll get mad if you bother them._

_They have other things to worry about._

Virgil could feel the tears beginning to fall down his face. There was no reason for this. No reason. Why was this happening to him? Why couldn’t he just be okay? Would he ever be okay?

_It’ll never stop._

_You’ll never get better._

Why did he keep trying if it was never going to get any better? Why was he still here then? Virgil sat down on the floor, holding his knees to his chest and rocking back and forth slightly. He knew in the back of his mind that this would pass. It always did.

_It’ll always get bad again._

_It doesn’t get better._

_It’ll never get better._

Why was he still here? Virgil choked for a moment, realizing that he had stopped breathing. He lifted one hand to his mouth and bit down slightly to stifle the sounds of his cries.

_I wish I would stop breathing._

_Forever._

_I wish._

The thoughts kept creeping into Virgil’s mind, scaring away any rational thoughts he had. He couldn’t think, yet he couldn’t stop thinking at the same time. That didn’t make sense. Did it? Nothing made sense. Nothing ever made sense, and he was so exhausted.

_It’ll never stop._

Virgil pressed his hands against his eyes, holding back a frustrated scream. He couldn’t breathe. But he _was_ breathing, wasn’t he? He felt like he couldn’t breathe. He was breathing so fast. He couldn’t stop breathing. He wanted to stop breathing. He pressed his hands into his eyes until all he could see were fireworks. Nothing felt real. Was he real? Unfortunately. He was so tired.

_I wish I could sleep forever._

_So alone._

_No one would miss you._

No one would miss him? No. Yes? No. Virgil couldn’t stop crying. He tried so hard to focus but everything was blurry. His mind. His mind was blurry. Did that make sense? Yes? No. He couldn’t think. He wanted it to stop. He was so tired. So tired. Of everything. Of this. Would it ever stop? He could make it stop. Couldn’t he?

_Write a note._

Should he? Yes?

_Don’t._

_It won’t matter._

_They won’t miss you._

No. Would they? Yes?

_Make it stop._

_It’ll never stop._

_You have to make it stop._

Virgil let out a broken cry and choked on his tears. He continued to rock back and forth, shaking uncontrollably, returning a hand to his mouth.

_So alone._

_You’re so alone._

Virgil wanted it to stop. How did he usually make it stop? He bit down on his hand, feeling tears falling onto his cheeks. No. He ripped his hand from his mouth and wrapped his arms around his legs.

 _Think._  

What to think about?

_Thomas._

Thomas. His host. Would Thomas miss him? He couldn’t leave Thomas alone, could he? Last time he decided to clock out, leaving Thomas with no anxiety at all, it seemed that everything fell into chaos from what the others told him. Could he do that to him again? No? He had to be strong for Thomas. But god, he was so tired. And all he ever did was hurt Thomas. Or did he? Thomas could learn to be okay without him, right? No. Yes?

_Logan._

Virgil tried to take a deep breath, his body still shaking. He choked again. Would Logan miss him? Maybe? Logan liked debating with him. Or did he? He could have just been saying that. He said he didn’t mind his company. Was that true? Yes? Would Logan know how to keep Thomas functioning without him? He could, couldn't he? He was Thomas’ logic, after all. Was that enough?

_Roman._

Princey. Who would Sir Sings a Lot give nicknames to? Who would he debate about Disney with? Would it matter? Did he even like him or was he just being nice so that Thomas wouldn’t yell at him? No. He was trying so hard. He did care, didn’t he? Yes. No. Yes? But all he ever did was get in Roman’s way, right? Fear only stifled creativity, didn’t it? Roman would be so much better off without him, wouldn’t he?

_Patton._

Virgil’s mind wandered to think of the moral side. God, Patton. He was so gentle. So loving. So kind. So understanding. And had always been so nice to Virgil. God, he would miss Patton. But that wouldn’t matter if he was gone, he figured. Would Patton miss him? Yes? He was Thomas’ heart, after all. But then, he was emotional about everything in general. Would he truly miss Virgil?

_You can’t leave without telling them you love them._

The thought crept into the front of Virgil’s mind and he almost gasped. He placed a hand on his chest, trying to breathe. He tried to conjure up more reasons to stay, no matter how big or small.

_Patton needs you to laugh at his dad jokes._

_No, he’d still have Roman._

_Roman needs someone to trade nicknames with._

_No, he’d still have Logan._

_Logan needs a debate partner._

_No, he likes to be right all the time anyway._

_Thomas needs you._

_No, he’d be better off without you._

Virgil tried taking a deep breath, trying hard to kick the contradicting thoughts from his mind and focus on what was important.

_You couldn’t laugh at Patton’s dad jokes anymore._

_You couldn’t call Roman names anymore._

_You couldn’t point out when Logan is wrong anymore._

_You couldn’t help Thomas anymore._  

Virgil took a deep breath.

_You never help Thomas anyway._

“Yes I do.” Virgil said out loud to himself, trying hard to silence the negativity in his mind. Reasons to stay here. He needed reasons to stay here.

_You’re so alone._

“No I’m not.” Virgil said breathlessly.

_They don’t love you._

“Yes they do.” He told himself, taking another deep breath. They did, didn’t they?

_You’ll always be alone._

“No!” Virgil cried, wanting to give up. Tears were falling down his face. Should he call for the others? No.

_You’re such a bother._

“No…” Virgil wiped his eyes, his breathing still rather irregular. He tried taking another deep breath, feeling his body shaking still. His vision was blurred with his tears as he opened his eyes. He wanted to call for the others so bad. What if they hated him? They didn’t hate him. Did they?

_Yes, they do._

_No, they don’t._

Virgil shook his head, frustrated. His thoughts were all over the place. He loved them so much. Could he really leave them? What could he look forward to?

_Patton’s smile._

Yes, he did love Patton’s smile. Could he really go without seeing it just one more time? What else?

_Roman’s singing._

That beautiful melody. He wished he could hear it right now. Virgil took a deep breath, trying to steady his breathing at least a little bit. Anything else? Anything? What did he have to look forward to? Focus.

_Logan making accidental dad jokes._

Of course. He couldn’t miss that, could he? He loved seeing Logan get embarrassed as Patton caught him in the midst of an unintentional joke. God, he loved them all.

_Thomas’ laugh._

He loved seeing Thomas happy. God, he couldn’t leave Thomas, could he? But he was the reason for Thomas crying sometimes, wasn’t he? Not all the time, though? He didn’t hurt Thomas, did he? No. Yes. No?

_Thomas needs you._

He did, didn’t he?

_Yes._

_No._

_Yes?_

Yes. He did. Virgil knew he did. He couldn’t leave. They all needed him. He was a part of the team. This would pass, wouldn’t it?

_But it’ll just happen again._

_It’s never over._

But the good times were worth staying for, right? Despite these moments of panic?

_Yes?_

Yes. Virgil knew in the back of his mind that no matter how hard things felt in this moment they would get better even just for a little while. He had anxiety. He was Anxiety. He couldn’t control that. But he could be strong. He knew he wasn’t alone. He wasn’t alone, was he?

_No?_

No. He wasn’t. No matter how contradictory his thoughts could get at times like this, he needed to realize that he wasn’t alone. No matter how alone he was feeling, he knew he wasn’t truly alone. Right? Right.

_Right._

He took a deep breath. He stood up, walking weakly back across the room to his bed. He sat down at the foot of the bed and ran his hands through his hair. He was sweating and his face was caked with tears. He was still shaking and his breathing was not as steady as it could be, but he felt a little bit better. He closed his eyes and tried once more to do the 4-7-8 exercise a few times. He would be okay. He had to be okay. He had to remind himself that his feelings were valid; even if nothing seemed to trigger these feelings, it did not make him any less valid. Right?

_Right._

It was just a panic attack. A moment of weakness. He was allowed to have those. It did not mean that he was weak.

_But you are weak._

Virgil cringed a bit. He tried his best to be mindful, acknowledging the negative thought before pushing it from his mind as best as he could.

_I am not weak._

_I am not alone._

_I am a good guy._

He tried to fill his mind with positive thoughts. Even when negative thoughts crept in, he tried to overpower them with the positive ones. That was all he could do. After a while, he felt his breathing becoming steadier and steadier and he realized that he was not shaking as much anymore. He opened his eyes and took a deep breath. Hopping off the bed, he wandered to his bathroom and turned on the sink. He avoided looking into the mirror, knowing that seeing his reflection could possibly trigger more negative thoughts right now. He got a cloth wet and began wiping his face of tears and makeup. Without checking in the mirror to see if he had gotten it all, Virgil turned the sink off, tossed the wet cloth onto the counter for now, and wandered back over to his bed. He felt so exhausted, both emotionally and physically. As he was beginning to take his hoodie off and get ready for bed, he heard a knock on the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The others come to check on Virgil. Patton baked cookies.

Virgil stared at the door, holding his breath. Another small knock echoed through the room. He took a deep breath, pushing his nervousness back into the back of his mind. He walked over to the door, opening it just a crack.

“Who is it?” He asked quietly.

“It’s Patton, Logan, and Roman.” It was Patton’s voice. Virgil  took a deep breath and opened the door the rest of the way, letting the light from the hall spill into his room.

He was confronted with the three Sides standing in a sort of triangle formation in the hallway. Logan stood behind the other two, one hand at his side and the other fidgeting with his tie a bit before adjusting his glasses. He looked a bit concerned, but a smile tugged at the corner of his lips as he met eye contact with Virgil. He cleared his throat and looked up at the ceiling, uncomfortable keeping eye contact for too long. Virgil looked to the side a bit to see the prince. Roman stood in front of Logan, hands clasped loosely behind his back, his eyebrows raising a bit as he took in the sight now in front of him. Virgil was sure that he must have looked like a mess. Roman smiled sadly at him before looking to the side at Patton, probably waiting for him to speak. Virgil’s eyes followed Roman’s gaze. Patton stood next to Roman. He was smiling very big, his eyes filled with all of the hope in the world. In his hands, he held a plate of fresh chocolate chip cookies. They smelled delicious.

“I baked us some cookies!” Patton beamed. Virgil couldn’t help but let a smile cross his face. He looked down at his feet quickly to hide the expression from the others as much as possible.

“You guys can have them all, it’s fine.” Virgil said, beginning to close the door. Roman gently stopped the door with his foot, peering in at Virgil.

“Lemme rephrase that for ya, Pat.” Roman said without looking beside him at the moral side. His eyes remained fixed on Virgil, a soft smile on his face. “We baked  _ you _ cookies.” Roman said, not breaking eye contact. Virgil inhaled sharply.

Virgil looked at his friends, unable to hide his surprise. He could feel tears welling up behind his eyes and he blinked them away quickly. He cleared his throat, letting go of the door.

“What…ever…” He said shyly. He exhaled slowly.

“We would very much enjoy your company in the common room, Virgil.” Logan said, adjusting his glasses again.

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay and I thought you might like some yummy cookies!” Patton grinned, his eyes bright. Virgil was taken aback. They were concerned about him?

“You guys…wanted to make sure I was okay?” Virgil asked slowly.

“Well sure, my chemically imbalanced romance, why ever would we not?” Roman questioned.

“We noticed your quick departure, concluded that you would perhaps want to be left alone for a while, then decided to lighten the mood with chocolate.” Logan stated, his voice calm and cool as always. In his eyes, however, Virgil thought he detected a bit of worry.

“I didn’t want you to be sad.” Patton said, looking down at the plate of cookies in his hands. “I’m sorry if it took too long, I baked as fast as I could.” He sighed, tilting his head as he looked back up at Virgil. “Are you okay?” He asked, more serious now than ever. Virgil’s eyes widened a bit before his gaze wandered to look at the ground.

“I…” He took a deep breath. He didn’t know what to say.

“I am so sorry that we left you alone. If that is not what you desired, then perhaps next time you would like one of us to come check on you while the cookies bake?” Roman asked, voice soft and serious rather than his usually loud and dramatic tone. Virgil looked up at the prince, eyes noticeably glistening.

“I don’t want to—“

“Bother us?” Roman asked. He looked at Virgil with a smile that radiated warmth. “You could never.”

“You are letting cognitive distortions get the best of you, Virge.” Logan said, smiling slightly. “There is not a time in which we would rather you suffer in silence than come to us.” Virgil took a deep breath, trying hard not to cry in front of his friends.

_ Friends. _

Yes, friends. Right? Yes.

“Cookies sound great.” Virgil said quietly, letting a soft smile cross his face. He didn’t try to hide it this time. Patton grinned as Roman held his hand out to Virgil. Virgil felt his face flush pink a bit as he slowly took the prince’s hand, letting him lead him out of the darkness of his bedroom. Logan reached over to shut the door. The four Sides walked down the stairs to the common room. Patton placed the cookies down on the counter, handing one to each of the others before grabbing one for himself. Roman, still holding Virgil’s hand, sat down on the couch. Virgil sat down as well, taking a small bite of his cookie. Logan sat down on the other side of Roman, and Patton sat down beside Virgil.

After a few moments of sitting in silence, Virgil finished his cookie. As he was wiping some crumbs off of his hoodie, he felt something brush his against face. Lips. He turned quick, looking at Patton, who had just kissed his cheek. The man was smiling happily. Virgil could feel his face turning slightly pink.

“We all love you so much, Virge.” Patton said softly. Virgil could feel tears behind his eyes again and he couldn’t help but smile. He loved them, too. So much.

“You never have to say it back if you’re uncomfortable or do not feel the same way, Virgil.” Roman said. Virgil looked at him, surprised. No witty nickname? “But we love you very much, and we are here.” His face was calm and serious, matching his tone.

“We value your company.” Logan said. “And we value your…feelings.” He let a small smile come over his face for just a moment before clearing his throat and adjusting his tie. “Whatever those are.” Virgil smiled. Logan was becoming better and better with the idea of feelings as of late, but he still liked to remain resolute in the idea that he did not have time for such complicated emotions. They all knew Logan cared, though.

“I…” Man, was he really going to say it? Yes. Just this once. “I love you guys, too.” Virgil said, and he saw the other three break out into bright smiles. Even Logan’s eyes lit up. Maybe he could get used to saying that. Maybe? Yes. Definitely. He loved them more than anything. He thought he would never know what real love was, having decided a while back that closing himself off from people would save him from more heartache. Yet here he was, surrounded by the ones he cared about most. His guard was down and for once in his life he didn’t even think about putting his walls back up in defense.

“I love you all SO much!” Patton beamed, wrapping his arms around Virgil and kissing him on the cheek once again. Roman joined in the hug, kissing Virgil’s other cheek. Virgil let out a groan as the two enveloped him between them, but he couldn’t help but smile. He looked over at Logan, who was raising his eyebrows.

“Aw, you don’t wanna join this sunshine fest, Lo?” Virgil asked sarcastically. He felt Patton and Roman laugh and tighten their hugs. He rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t deny that he felt happy to be there. He felt loved. Logan chuckled, scooting over a bit and reaching to pat Virgil on the shoulder.

“You are on your own with this one, V.” Logan said. At that, Roman let go of Virgil and turned toward Logan.

“What, you don’t want a hug, specs?” Roman asked teasingly. Logan rolled his eyes and smiled slightly.

“You know that I do not.” He said, and Roman laughed.

“Yeah, yeah. You love us though.” Roman said. Logan flashed a tiny smile at the prince before letting his eyes dart down to look at the uneaten cookie in his hand. He cleared his throat before looking back up at the others.

“I value you all.” He said, adjusting his tie and nodding.

“Good enough!” Patton said, arms still around Virgil but looser than before. Virgil relaxed in his arms, exhaling calmly.

“Thanks for the cookies, Pat.” Virgil said quietly, blinking away tears once more.

“Of course.” Patton whispered. “Do you want me to let go, Virge?” Virgil smiled slightly. He didn’t. Did he? No. That was surprising.

“No…please…” Virgil said softly, and he could feel Patton’s warm breath as he exhaled, smiling. Patton resituated himself so that they were both sitting side by side on the couch. He wrapped one arm around Virgil’s back, letting the anxious side lay his head down on the moral side’s shoulder. Roman scooted over so he was right beside Virgil again. He held out his hand and Virgil let him weave his fingers through his own, holding his hand gently so that Virgil could let go whenever he wanted if he got uncomfortable. Logan gave in, scooting to sit right beside Roman. As Logan finally took a bite of his cookie that he had been holding, he allowed Roman to lay his arm behind him across the back of the couch.

Virgil let out a relaxed sigh as he nuzzled into Patton’s shoulder. He closed his eyes gently as he heard Patton click the TV on. He could feel Patton’s warmth radiating and his heart beating steadily. He could feel Roman’s hand warm against his. He felt Roman squeeze his hand softly three short times, which Virgil knew he meant to mean ‘I love you.’ Virgil squeezed back, three times as well, and he felt Roman scoot a bit closer to him. As Virgil continued to relax, he felt himself drifting off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! I decided to turn this into a 3 chapter fic and write more to it instead of stopping at 2, so don't worry! This isn't the end <3 there's gonna be some more fluff and important info in the next/probably final chapter that might kind of be relevant to my "Not a Dark Side" fic as well which takes place sometime after this fic in this timeline. If you haven't read it, feel free to check it out! Thank you for all the support, and I look forward to seeing what you all think <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil wakes up from a nap and eats dinner with the others. They want to talk to him about a couple very important things. (A mix of slight angst and some fluff)

Virgil woke up slowly. His head was no longer on Patton’s shoulder but was instead face up in his lap, as if he had been gently moved. Patton’s arms were around him, one hand softly playing with his hair and the other hand on his chest. Looking around the room as best as he could from his position, Virgil saw Roman walking around in the kitchen and Logan sitting at the end of the couch reading a book. Virgil looked up as Patton looked down at him, awake.

“Hi, baby.” Patton said softly, looking down with a soft smile and tired eyes. His hair was slightly messy, falling in his face, and his cardigan had been discarded and lay on the couch beside him. Virgil reached up to rub his eyes but did not move to get up.

“Hey.” Virgil whispered. “Is it morning?”

“No, it’s only been an hour or so, sweetheart. You fell asleep and we didn’t wanna wake you.” Patton said, his hand continuing to play with Virgil’s hair. Virgil smiled fondly up at him and yawned. “Ro’s making spaghetti for dinner, it’s almost done.”

“I could go for some spaghetti.” Virgil said, making a move to sit up. Patton helped him, and soon Virgil was sitting back up beside Patton, his hair a mess. Patton stared at him.

“What?” Virgil asked, beginning to fix his hair. “I look awful, don’t I? Did I not get all my makeup off earlier? Are my eyes puffy?”

“No, no.” Patton said, chuckling softly and placing a hand on Virgil’s cheek. “I was just thinking that you’re beautiful.” He said, and Virgil could feel his cheeks getting warm. He turned his face away to look at the floor.

“Stop…” He mumbled. He vaguely heard Logan close his book. “I know I look like a mess.”

“Nonsense.” Logan spoke up, startling Virgil. “You are quite handsome.”

Virgil turned to look at Logan skeptically. His gaze wandered to the kitchen where he saw Roman plating the spaghetti he must have just finished. He could tell Roman was listening in.

“We have the same face.” Virgil said shortly, his voice quiet. Patton poked at him gently, muttering something about fighting him.

“Even so, we do exhibit slightly different physical traits.” Logan said matter-of-factly.

He was right, Virgil had to give him that. Roman was more toned than the rest of them due to his many quests in the imagination, and his hair was always styled in a way Virgil could only describe as princely. Patton was just a bit chubbier but not in a very noticeable way, and he did not bother as much with his hair beyond keeping it out of his face. Logan was rather lean yet visibly strong at the same time and he kept his hair clean and out of his eyes. Virgil couldn’t help but think, however, that he himself was scrawny and bruised. He had scars all over his body from various happenings ranging from abuse and self-harm to simple accidents. Even without his makeup, he had natural dark circles under his eyes that looked more like bruises in the light. He was paler than the rest of them and his hair was always in his eyes. He could think of many words to describe himself but the first word that always came to mind when thinking about his appearance, let alone his personality, was  _ undesirable. _

“You are handsome in a way that is uniquely your own.” Logan’s voice pulled Virgil out of his thoughts. Virgil shook his head slightly, turning once more to look back at the floor.

“My darling.” He heard Roman speak up finally, and Virgil kept his gaze on the carpet. “You are exquisite, gorgeous, lovely, charming, and beauteous.” Roman said in his usual dramatic tone.

“Those are all synonyms, you redundant sap.” Logan said, sighing. Virgil heard Patton giggle beside him.

“Ah, but I cannot use just one of those words to describe how bewitching this dark prince is, now can I?”

Virgil rolled his eyes slightly and took a deep breath, his face definitely red at this point. Did they really all think he was...beautiful? How could they, though? Surely they didn’t. Right?

It was Roman’s voice to pull Virgil out of his thoughts this time.

“My loves!” Roman beamed. “Dinner is served! Come sit!”

__

The four Sides sat at the kitchen table together, each with a plate of spaghetti in front of them. Virgil sat across from Roman, and Logan sat across from Patton. Roman was passing around the parmesan cheese. There was a plate of garlic bread in the middle of the table and Patton was currently reaching to grab a piece. Logan sipped his water before taking the cheese from Roman and sprinkling a bit on top of his spaghetti. Virgil sprinkled a bit as well, and handed it to Patton who covered his spaghetti in five times more cheese than the rest of them. He had a huge smile on his face as Logan looked across the table in annoyance.

“That is hardly healthy.” Logan said before returning his attention to his own food. Patton just grinned, spinning a bite of spaghetti onto his fork.

“But it looks oh so delicious!” Roman said, grinning as he sprinkled some more cheese onto his plate. It was still not as much as Patton’s, but Logan sighed anyway. Virgil suppressed a laugh and turned his attention to his food.

__

When the four of them were finished eating, Logan cleared his throat. They still sat around the table, but it seemed to Virgil that the others wanted to talk about something. His suspicions were quickly verified.

“We need to talk.” Logan said.

_ Oh god, they do hate me, don’t they? _

_ I did something wrong. _

_ They want me to leave again. _

_ They should have just let me stay gone the first time I tried to duck out. _

Virgil tried hard to push his worries out of his mind, but he didn’t do so fast enough. His nervousness must have been present in his expression, because Roman spoke quickly.

“Darling, it is nothing like what you might be thinking.” Roman said, urgency present in his voice.

“We’re not mad at you, Virge.” Patton said gently. Virgil relaxed, exhaling slowly.

Logan continued after a few short moments. “Just a couple of things we want to ask of you.” He said. “Firstly, we would like to know what the protocol should be for your...attacks.” Virgil raised an eyebrow.

“What Lo is trying to say is, we wanna know what we can do to help you.” Patton said, and Logan nodded.

“Do you want us to leave you alone, or check on you? Or both? Do you need us to be there to help you through a panic attack? Is there anything we can do to stop one before it begins?” Roman listed off the questions slowly and casually, allowing a beat of silence between each as to not overwhelm Virgil. “Perhaps it may be difficult to vocalize sometimes what you want or need from us, but we want to help.”

Virgil raised both his eyebrows in surprise, looking around the table. The three Sides sat watching him, smiles on their faces. They really wanted to help? He didn’t really know what to say.

“I…” He took a deep breath. “I think...I think sometimes I need to be alone for a bit. Especially if I’m having, uhm, sensory overload, you know?” He rubbed the back of his neck, trying to think harder. Clearing his throat and avoiding eye contact, he continued. “But it’d be nice for someone to check on me sometimes even if I might not wanna see anyone.” He swallowed, biting his lip in thought. His mind was clearer now than it was earlier. He needed to get this all out now before the anxious thoughts returned.

“Like, even if I say I want you to go away, I’d probably thank you later if you stayed. If that makes sense.” He lowered his gaze to his empty plate, hoping his words were coming out right. “And maybe...spending time together more might help me feel more relaxed. Like, not always being alone. And breathing exercises help.” He was silent for a few moments, still hesitant to meet the others’ gazes.

After a minute, Logan spoke. “That is all doable.”

“We shall do what we can, darling.” Roman said, smiling. Patton nodded in agreement, reaching his hand out to place it on top of Virgil’s. Virgil looked over at Patton and smiled softly back at him.

“What about a weekly movie night?” Roman beamed, and the other three turned to look at him. Logan tilted his head in though. Virgil took a deep breath. Patton was grinning excitedly.

“I love it!” Patton said, and Roman grinned back at him with loving eyes.

“I suppose that would satisfy the criteria of spending more time together.” Logan said.

They all looked at Virgil, and he bit his lip. He nodded slightly, deciding that this could be good for him despite his tendencies to want to close himself off. It would probably be good for him to get out of his room more often, after all. Thinking they were done, Virgil began to stand up.

“One more thing.” Logan said, and Virgil sat back down slowly. He looked around at the others, who were all fidgeting nervously in some way. Patton was blushing and sliding his finger around in a circle on the table. Roman was adjusting his sash. Logan was straightening his tie, which was already perfectly placed to begin with. Virgil raised an eyebrow.

“We just wanted to know…you know, we love you, right?” Patton stuttered.

Virgil nodded slowly. “Yeah?”

“Well,” Roman said. He looked at Logan, who waved his hand at him in a way that urged Roman to continue. Roman bit his lip.

“Well, we would like to know...if uhm…” There was a beat of silence. “We were wondering if you would like to be our boyfriend?” Roman finally said before holding his breath.

Virgil’s eyes widened slightly, looking around at the others. He had loved them for a while, really loved them. But he had never dared to try to be included to that extent. Yes, they had said that they loved him, but he had forced himself to accept the fact that it wasn’t in  _ that _ way. He had lowered his guard, yes, but he had forced himself to be content with them loving him as a friend and nothing more. No amount of kisses on the cheek, hugs, cuddling, compliments, or pet names could have convinced him otherwise. He was undesirable, wasn’t he? Were they sure that they loved him in that way? He decided that, knowing them, it would be better not to ask and to assume that they were absolutely positive. After all, he was not quite feeling up for getting attacked by Patton for talking bad about himself some more. He could feel his cheeks flushing.

Logan cleared his throat and adjusted his glasses. Patton looked up and took a deep breath.

“Whatdya say?” was all Patton could manage, his expression hopeful. Logan stayed silent, but Virgil could see a faint blush across the logical side’s cheeks.

Roman cleared his throat. “You don’t need to answer right away. If you uh, if you need time to think-”

“No, I…” Virgil interrupted. “I love you guys...more than anything.” He said, looking back down at the plate in front of him. He could feel tears threatening to fall from his eyes but he did not bother to blink them away. Instead, he let a tear fall down his cheek. Then another. And another. He looked back up and around at each other the other three, smiling softly. “I’d love to.”

Patton squealed. Roman grinned and clapped excitedly, too excited to speak. Logan simply smiled proudly and nodded. Virgil couldn’t keep the smile off of his face as Patton stood up and wrapped him in a tight hug. Roman got up quickly and walked around the table to join. Logan stood up beside them all and placed a hand over Virgil’s, his eyes glistening.

Virgil didn’t even squirm to get away. He didn’t groan. He didn’t roll his eyes.

He was happy. He was loved.

_ I’m not alone. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this! I wanted this chapter to set up some of the elements that are in "Not a Dark Side", such as them all being together and the movie nights :)  
> If you have any suggestions for fics, especially ones for my LAMP series, feel free to make requests! <3 (my Tumblr is chemicallyimbalanced-shadowling, you can message me there if you'd like).


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